The Corona Virus could be my fault. I prayed for something to happen to enable me to have a long holiday at home with my teenage sons – where we did not have to get up at 4am every day for Swim training, where I didn’t have to go to work every day, and rush around in the same hectic single mum routine I’ve been juggling for years.
Then the Virus came along. Swimming Pools were closed. Schools were closed. And my work has temporarily dried up because I teach English to foreign students. Best of all, the government is being so generous with those out of work that I can afford to do nothing for a while. It is my dream come true.
Okay, okay, I am joking! I don’t REALLY think I am that influential or that what I put into the universe created this nightmare – but still, a tiny part of me thinks WTF!
What is interesting is that I had so many fantasies of what I longed to do if this miracle ever occurred. I would take the time to get fit, health up, finish all my half-done online courses, write a book, learn Spanish, clean the house top to toe and sort out my storage cupboard, redecorate the house, start an online business or two…..the list was long. And now I have the free time, I am not sure what I actually really want to do. It’s like I have all these clothes to wear, but nothing feels comfortable.
While this is such a disaster for the world, an economic mindfuck, and an absolute personal tragedy for so, so many who have lost loved ones– for me, personally, I could use this is an opportunity.
I thought I was too old for a midlife crisis – so I
looked it up and it is defined as a condition occurring for people aged from 45
to 64 – which is me. This transition of identity appears to be caused by a psychological crisis brought about by
events that highlight a person’s growing age and inevitable mortality. At a
stage where my sons no longer need me like they used to, there is more time for
me. I still have to be here every day, cooking and cleaning and driving and
loving them. But I feel impatient to jumpstart my life. In four years, both
sons will be finished school so I must wait for many of my new dreams – but there
are so many now I can get onto – because I have the time.
But I worry that this time if a rare gift and I will fritter it away doing sweet Fanny Adams… (a euphemism for F-all!!)
Some projects and ambitions I have to look hard at and Marie Condo each dream. Is it worth the hassle? Am I realistically going to achieve it? Is now the time? Do I merely like to vaguely plot but the doing bores me? Am I just an ideas person?
I paid a fortune (for me) to do an online Training and Assessment TAE Cert 1V course online. But every time I open up the course and get ready to progress, I am overwhelmed by fatigue and resentment, slight hysteria and repulsion. I need to finally accept that I am never going to finish it and not give it another thought.
The rest – I can do it. The weather on the Gold Coast is presently perfect – sunny and gently warm, shiny and bright, my boys are around me schooling quietly online, my dog is fast asleep under the desk, I can hear parrots chatting outside and the washing machine humming in the background.
But I feel really guilty to feel happy – that for me, Covid 19 has given me a gap to re-set, re-assess and re-invent myself, and, that I am loving this year so much. I have even stopped looking at the news because it makes me feel even more emotionally awkward. I so empathise and sympathise with all those who are not in my comfortable situation – but I still am so grateful to have this quiet lull in my life.
Please tell me I am not the only one? Is there anyone else out there who can identify? Or am I just a selfish, over-privileged Australian who is just mega lucky not to be living anywhere else?